Jaci Barton - Life, Love and Dating

Valentine's Day get ready now for next year.

2012-02-15T06:33:00.000-08:00

Are you glad it has passed? Do you dread Valentine's Day - many people do. The single and the sorted see it coming with equal dread. It can be a nice little romantic excuse to be mushy and generous. It can be a minefield of insecurity leading to more questions than answers.
Do I buy? What do I buy? Card or present or both? Should I sign the card? Are roses really that price? Will she know it is from me? Please don't let him buy me something tacky and disappointing? What will I feel if he doesn't bother?
If your February 14 this year was all of this and more and you want to avoid the same thing happening in 2013 all you have to do is communicate.
If you are in a relationship and beyond the 'card left in a rucksack' age then you have nearly a year to talk about it. You also have 364 days to show your love in far more important ways every day.
What means more - flowers he impulsively bought you on any old day of the year or flowers tradition dictated he had to buy?
All a couple has to do to agree the way forward, is agree how they feel about it and how they would like to spend it.
But talk about it now, not two days before February 14, 2013 when broaching the subject could easily be misinterpreted.

2012-01-04T03:07:00.000-08:00

The first week of January is evidently the busiest week of the year for divorce solicitors....it is also the busiest time of year for dating agencies, fitness clubs, weight loss groups and lifestyle advisors of every description.
Is this because we think new year, new me?
Is it because we think that magic click of the calendar will make the change more viable?
Or is it simply the visible evidence of time passing that makes us so determined to not waste another second doing something we don't want to do, being someone we don't want to be, spend our lives with someone we no longer want to spend time with.
What is certain is that we will have spent most of the preceeding year, now gone, thinking about making the change and building our determination to make it happen.
Life changing decisions are usually precedented by other life changing events which prompt us to reassess, think again, take a fresh look.
So to all fresh starters in 2012 - happy new year and good luck.

Dear Me

2011-12-21T03:52:00.000-08:00

I was asked to write a letter to myself aged 16 yesterday by the guys at BBC5Live.
My letter read:
You will never know it all - although you think you do.
Guilt doesn't work.
Regret doesn't work.
If you have inner doubts, listen hard and make them your outer screams, don't bury them to worry about later.
Hindsight isn't worth hoping for - it is always the right decision at the time.
Don't waste any more time writing that top secret diary. It will make your toes curl in 30 years and is being read by your mum while you are at college anyway. You should write a book about a boy wizard instead.
Jaci Barton aged 51 and a quarter.
Have a great Christmas everyone and thanks for being with me through 2011!

Dating for the 21st Century

2011-12-14T05:34:00.000-08:00

Dating services all over the UK will be struggling to keep up with demand in January. It is the busiest month of the year.
The reason is simple and fairly obvious – new year, new start, new beginning and, hopefully, new love.
Making New Year’s resolutions are things we do sometimes publicly and sometimes quietly. They can be “must get fit”, “must get slim”, “must stop smoking” – but the quiet one we whisper only to ourselves or our closest friend is “mustn’t spend Christmas on my own again”, “mustn’t waste another year with the wrong person”, “mustn’t keep pretending something will change without me doing anything to change it”.
The common fallacy is that singles are the ones who have nowhere to go and no one to go with and this is why they are single. The truth, however, is that 99 per cent of single people are the busiest people we know. They are out there personally and professionally, living life to the full, doing loads, enjoying wide social circles. They know plenty of people who know plenty more – and yet they haven’t found the one.
The reason for this is that we don’t meet people the way we used to. To find love these days, we have to be pro-active, creative and open to the way it is done in the 21st century.
The New Year’s Resolution for every single for 2012 should be – do something, anything, just make that change. The problem for those who are single and would prefer not to be is that it is a gap in life which has tentacles. It can mean big life plans on hold, major moments and events in life dulled by the lack of someone to share it with – and so the effect of that lack, that insignificant other, is a shadow over a small or large part of every corner of our lives.
It is still true that there is someone for everyone, it has been proved to be true so many times, but these days of fast living, remote working, dominant careers dictate that we need a particular way of finding them. So find the way that suits you and have a different resolution for 2013.

Is text or email ever the option?

2011-11-14T03:51:00.000-08:00

Twenty years ago the coward's way out was to get a friend to do the dirty. Today we have the magic of text and email if we want to deliver bad news but haven't the courage to look someone in the eye when we are doing it.
Vanessa Feltz asked me the question on BBC Radio London the other day - is it ever acceptable to dump someone by email or text?
The answer isn't as simple as you might think. After one evening together or one quick date which wasn't comfortable for either party, it would probably be a relief to receive a text saying thank you but moving on. In that situation it is the least embarrassing option for both parties and far better than no message at all - the tempting but, again cowardly, way out.
What is unacceptable, even in this era of instant communication, is to fail to look in the eyes of someone you have had a meaningful relationship with when you end it.
Vanessa asked: "What if you have nothing more to say and nothing could possibly change your mind?"
The person you are leaving must be given the chance to ask questions they need answered before you move on. You may decide enough is enough, nothing more to be gained by going over old ground and be forced to bring that final conversation to a halt, but at least you won't be leaving them with issues which could prevent them moving on in the long term.

Ten signs that a relationship is probably over

2011-11-02T01:37:00.000-07:00

1. You close your eyes and cannot see the two of you old together
2. Everything he says, even the most mundane, irritates you
3. Everything she does makes you question her motives
4. You can't be bothered turning up for the counselling session you agreed to
5. You lie in bed and imagine, without panic, a world without them in it
6. They never reply with anything like the answer you thought you would get
7. You can think of 10 ways your children would benefit from you living apart
8. You know you will never forgive them
9. You fantasise about them having an affair - the get out of jail free card
10.You close your eyes and still cannot remember how it felt in the beginning.

How open-minded are you?

2011-10-24T04:14:00.000-07:00

The scientists tell us we come to the most conclusions about someone we are going to make in the first few minutes we meet.
I can believe it. I believe those first impressions are really valuable and should never be ignored but the key to a relationship is being flexible and open minded to the person you are with.
Sticking like superglue to those first vital minutes and those minutes only, however, can cost you dearly.It can blind you to the true width and depth of someone, the light and dark and all shades in between - all impossible to show in a few minutes.
The keys to finding, keeping and being successful in relationships are flexibility, open-mindedness, generosity of heart and spirit and a recognition that a perfect partnership doesn't need perfect people. In fact, quite the opposite.

Is it time to Make a Change?

2011-10-14T00:51:00.001-07:00

A huge number of singles are recognising the need to be pro-active about finding love. They are online dating, speed dating, using a personal introductions system like Searchmate's or just joining the gym. The important thing is they are doing something about filling this gap in their lives.
And most single people have busy single lives, they aren't sitting at home waiting for him or her to walk through the door - and yet they still don't stumble into The One.
There are two essential first steps when you recognise you are single, really don't want to be and accept you need to think out of the box and actively do something about it.
1. Look at yourself and ask if you have your best foot forward - are you emotionally, mentally and literally going forward as the best that you can be? Finding love is nothing about how you look or what you wear but it can help you get over that first hurdle. Sustaining that relationship is then about your emotional health and strength, make sure that is looking good too.
2. Have you chosen your dating system to suit you or your pocket? Choosing the dating system for you is more than a question of what can I afford? It is a budget question, of course, but you are far better saving that little bit more and choosing a more expensive system if you are not suited to the cheaper one. It could be the best birthday or Christmas present you ever buy yourself so make sure it is the right one.
Watch this space for tips on choosing the right way forward for you.

The First Phone Call - the dos and don'ts of getting to the first date!

2011-10-13T05:04:00.000-07:00

You've seen their profile, either on line or through a personal introductions agency. You have both decided to take the next step - the first phone call.
What you say in that call can determine whether they run for their car keys or run for the hills.
Some say and don't say tips which can make all the difference:
1. Can't meet you there, I had my wedding reception there.
2. I'm not sure we are a match but we might as well meet and find out.
3. You'll have to take me as you find me - I won't have time to change after I finish painting the fence.
4. Why don't you come here and I will cook you a meal
5. I insist on my men collecting me at the door
6. I insist my women go Dutch
7. Your picture reminded me of the wife I divorced
8. You don't sound like anything I imagined
9. I can fit you in Friday
10. Have you booked next year's holiday yet?

Age is just a number

2011-10-12T02:16:00.000-07:00

Singles advice for the day: remember that age is just a number.
I talked to one of our members last week about the lady he was looking for. James is a fabulous guy who has fought back from a very serious injury and is now looking for a special lady to share his life.
We were discussing her, what she would like, the things that will be important and interesting to her and where we might find her for him.
He is 35 and living in London, ex-pilot, lots to offer. She will have lots to offer too but he insisted she shouldn't be older than he is.
I paused and smiled and said: "So James, just so I am clear, if we find the woman of your dreams who ticks all your boxes but she is 36 you want us to offer her to someone else?"
It brought him up short just as it should have because, of course, when he thought about it he realised that, in the face of all the other wonderful things about her he can't wait to find out about, her age is a very unimportant and very small item.
That number can be an important indicator of where someone is in their life, the choices they are probably, but not necessarily making, the way they see and think about stuff.
What it never is, is an indicator of energy, zest for life, attitude, tastes, interests or suitability.
We must always remember that age is just a number if we are to grab all the opportunities life offers us with truly open arms and open minds.

Fact or fiction - inspirational stories everywhere

2011-10-10T03:12:00.000-07:00

It cannot be a coincidence that so many prime time soaps and shows on TV at the moment are featuring characters, actors and storylines featuring disabilities and learning difficulties.
Is this because finally programme makers have recognised they have left out a whole section of society for decades?
Is it because society is finally doing more than just pay lip service to the rules and regulations about inclusivity?
I would like to think it is the result of so much hard work by people who refused to be hidden away and fought to be equal in other ways which counted more....and they have provided us with so many inspirational real life stories which make great telly.
I have been working in the dating industry for seven years and I can say categorically there is no such thing as 'type'. Clients looking for love are often blinkered about certain things about certain people but increasingly are recognising love lurks in the least expected places sometimes, we just have to be open-minded enough to see the gift when it presents itself.

Life is for Loving

2011-10-04T04:22:00.000-07:00

How fantastic it was to watch someone who had previously lost his legs running in the World Championships recently? It was inspirational, amazing and awe inspiring.
Technology and determination can achieve so much these days and yet we live in a society where looks still appear, for so many, to be the only measure of someone.
I counsel the clients at Searchmate all the time about looking beyond the picture, think out of the box, recognise all their qualities and possibilities before deciding who you will and won’t meet.
I still believe we are the most PC and caring society in the world but I know there remains a patronising under-current of discrimination running through it where disabled and impaired people are concerned. This man and so many others are proving just how truly unacceptable this is.
Who would dare patronise or marginalise a man fitter, stronger and faster than most of us and presumably a man quids in when it comes to determination, stamina and courage?
Our skirmishes abroad have produced a whole generation of fit young men and women who are soldiers first and foremost and disabled by their injuries second. Why should they be?
Some dating agencies and dating sites stipulate who they will or will not accept for membership - their critera are age, looks and even income dictated.
We ask for guarantees from our clients too but these have nothing to do with how they look, the number they are or what they can earn.
At Searchmate we came to the conclusion many years ago that everyone has the right to find someone to love. We have always been a fully inclusive agency in this way, offering memberships to suit everyone of every age and in every walk of life.
We believe totally in our mantra – there is someone for everyone and we prove it all the time.
All the clients go forward with us just being themselves and we work with them to find the person they seek, someone who will love them for who they are not which section of society they represent.

Adoption - the great divide

2011-09-29T04:25:00.000-07:00

The sadest statistic in the news this week is that the number of children being adopted has fallen.
The red tape and the process of adoption is currently acting like some inhumane firewall and resulting in just 60 babies arriving to loving parents before their first birthday.
Overall five percent fewer children are being taken from an institutional existence into normal family life. This is just a figure but the reality of it means hundreds of days of heartbreak and hope while couples desperate for a child to love go through months and sometimes years of anguish before some just give up.
I know two couples who have gone through the adoption process. One was successful the second gave up hope of having a child after 20 years of failed IVF and adoption attempts. How they kept going for that long I cannot imagine but that kind of determination tells me they would have made great parents.
The bottom line is, if a couple are prepared to even embark on the adoption process they must very seriously and very genuinely believe they have something to offer a child.
Yes, the powers that be should do everything to check they are who and what they say they are and that they can offer a safe and loving environment, but this misguided and obstructive obsession with near perfection in adoption candidates is ridiculous.
No parent is perfect, we do the best we can and hope we get it right most of the time.
Every biological parent looks back and wishes they did something differently, yet we demand almost inhuman guarantees and ideals from adoptive parents. No one stands at the door of the maternity ward to psych test the new mums and dads or demand they prove the perfection of their relationship before they leave with that baby. Crikey they don't even ask if you can boil a kettle or get a nappy out of the bag let alone know which end to put it on.
The government needs to lighten up, get real, do it right but do it quickly so all these lovely babes and children can be sent to the generous, desperate but imperfect people who are out there and happy to give them homes.

On Line Dating

2011-09-27T23:34:00.000-07:00

The news this morning claimed that 200,000 people have been conned through on line dating sites by people on there who are not who they say they are. These hopeful singles become victims of crime. And I think this figure is a conservative estimate.
Searchmate's core business for 10 years has been secure, confidential personal introduction memberships but we offer on line dating too. We believe everyone has the right to choose which way they want to search for a partner.
But it is crucial that you choose the right way for you and we try and give people advice on this every way we can.
If you are on line dating you need to be confident, savvy, life experienced, a good judge of people and cautious by nature. You should be someone with a network of friends and family around you and not isolated in any way.
You need an inherent ability to say no thanks.
If this isn't you - try another way. There are a host of choices out there which are not as exposed or reliant on the honesty of those taking part.
Searchmate interviews, identity checks and charges realistic amounts to anyone who claims to be single and looking for a lasting relationship before we take them on. We ask them to commit with their time, money and their signature to a code of conduct and we monitor every match once we have agreed to accept them for membership.
Most of our clients try on line dating first and then recognise a better way. Some made some friends but didn't find the one they were looking for. Some had horror stories to tell. The cost to them in the long run was far higher than a superior personal introduction system with any of the ABIA accredited agencies out there.
We know times are hard but there is no better investment than in the people we love so think again before choosing the cheapest option available to find them.

Infidelity

2011-09-14T02:08:00.000-07:00

I have just chatted on BBC Radio WM with Jo Malin and Noel Biderman, known as Mr Infidelity.
He runs on line dating sites for people looking to have extra marital affairs. He has made an enormous amount of money at it and has a sign behind his desk which says "Life is Short - Have an Affair". Despite claiming to be monogamous and happily married with children himself (bizarre), he claims an affair can save a marriage rather than end it.
Sounds like a few lines from a spin doctor to me.
At Searchmate our clients all have to be single, genuinely single, and looking for a new long term relationship - not just a date for Friday night or sex on the side.
If a marriage is in trouble can it really be saved by one partner religiously lying, deceiving and betraying the other? Can any amount of excitement and illicit sex take away that level of guilt and betrayal?
Mr B claims a bit on the side for the person not getting enough love and attention in the marriage can mean the relationship can go forward without the children and partner being exposed to the agony of a family break up.
Our children learn the vital components of successful relationships by watching to see how we do it. How do we treat their father/mother? Are we thoughtful, loving, kind and helpful. How do we resolve differences? Do we talk it through with honesty, throw a punch, get drunk or go off and have sex with someone else?
The majority of the relationship skills and, sadly, disfunctionalities in relationships they take into adult life have been learned in their childhood home.
I have no problem with consenting adults sleeping with whoever they like as often as they like. I would have no problem with a dating site called manypartners.com.
But if you want to have sex with many different people and don't think monogamy is for you - have the courage to be honest about it. Don't get married, don't commit to a long term relationship in the first place. If you fall in love with someone else and there is no going back, be honest and have the courage to move on.
And if you think you can have it all, think again. Even in the 21st century where entrepreneurs and the world wide web make everything so easy to come by, never forget there no such thing as a free lunch.

Keeping an Eye on the Bigger Picture

2011-09-07T01:28:00.000-07:00

I have just been chatting to Annie Othen on BBC Radio Coventry and Warkwickshire about the impact of social media on relationships.
Thirty per cent of people in one region of the UK alone admit to using social media - Twitter, Facebook, Email - to snoop on a partner.
I am amazed this figure isn't higher.
The availability of information has never been better. Finding stuff out about people never easier. The opportunities available for the malicious to stalk, make mischief, bully, belittle and undermine are ready and waiting to a frightening degree.
The ways we find out if someone is cheating on us have changed hugely in the last ten years - or have they?
The reasons for us to question and the answers we find are rooted in the same stuff as they always have been. Loss of trust and lack of trust have always been one of the most divisive problems in a relationship. They still are - it has just become easier and easier to fall foul of both.
If one half of a relationship - be it man and woman or mother and daughter - has an uneasy, uncomfortable feeling or suspicion, it is still better to simply sit down and talk. We can address the feelings we are having, the concerns we have and the causes of them far better by an honest piece of old fashioned communication than we ever can by snooping, stealing or broadcasting to the nation.
The positive aspect of this trend is that those relationships which are surviving without cyber snooping or public grandstanding are stronger than they have ever been.
Despite the opportunities for duplicity being greater and easier than ever, surely the increased threat of exposure is enough to make the majority stop and think twice.
Maybe also those who don't stop to think, those who are prepared to take the higher risk of being found out are actually hoping it will happen?
The cowards who can't even bring themselves to dump someone by text are probably those who go one step further and wait for a 'mate' on Facebook to do it for them - So nothing has changed really. Weren't kids doing that in playgrounds 30 years ago?

Love Letters and Nasal Sprays

2011-08-16T04:18:00.000-07:00

There is an exhibition you can go to of items people have kept as reminders of love gone by. I'm not sure how interesting an exhibition of this kind would prove to be, or whether I would pay good money to see it, but it does say something fascinating about love and lovers.
You would expect to find, letters, teddy bears, jewellery, maybe even cars but there was actually a nasal spray. Evidently the lady's ex was a snorer and she keeps it to remind herself what a nightmare he was to live with and how she never wanted to do that again.
Keepsakes can trigger happy memories as well as warning signals but they can also cause a dangerous niggle in an otherwise good relationship.
If one partner is less sentimental than the other and only one of you is clasping that cinema stub all the way home prior to clamping it safely in a book of poetry, then it sometimes leads to the sentimental half questioning their partner's love and commitment. It is common error to confuse the two but do so at your peril as it is never a measure of either.
It can be tangible evidence of a relationship clasped by someone in need of reassurance, it can be there to simply act as a prompt for a reactive exclamation of undying love which is slow to materialise.
I personally feel the only trinket worth keeping is something someone has written or invested some part of themselves in - a card, a letter, an entirely personal expression of love. It should never be something bought or produced in a factory!
Keepsakes from current loves thrown in a drawer are a healthy level of collection, letters from a past love buried in a box in the garage never to be read again are acceptable. Sentimental treasure brandished for all to behold should ring warning bells all round.

Can We Ever Go Back to the Future

2011-06-29T03:29:00.000-07:00

I was asked by Tammy Gooding on BBC Radio WM recently whether you can ever go back and revisit a relationship which has fallen apart through infidelity.
The question was, of course, prompted by the speculation over Cheryl and Ashley Cole - did she, didn't she, romance or ruin?
I suspect Cheryl is obsessively in love with him and cannot turn him away. She will have convinced herself she bowed to public pressure and the nagging of her mother when she left him the first time but could have made it work really, could eventually have made him other than he is.
He is, of course, an ego driven footballer who has believed his own publicity and thinks he can get away with anything. He isn't the first and certainly won't be the last.
Some couples, can very successfully, make it work after one of them has played away, so to speak.
But there are two types of infidelity. There is the "I got drunk and did something totally stupid once" kind. This can act as a wake up call for both parties who realise there were unaddressed problems which they then face to go forward with a relationship which is stronger and better than before.
And there is the serial adulterer who riddles his partnership with adulterous events like some kind of duplicitous steeple chaser who just can't resist jumping one more fence. These are the relationships we should never return to.
We are better investing our time, love and energy in rebuilding our self esteem, confidence in others and our belief in the future.
We can easily bury ourselves and our future by sticking with someone who thinks so little of us and who is completely unprepared to commit. Their commitment is to themselves, their egos, their self gratification and their own pleasure. They have no right entering a proper relationship with anyone. These people should probably stick with dogs, cats and one night stands.
Good luck Cheryl, he may be rich and gorgeous but that shouldn't always be enough.

Marriage made in Heaven

2011-05-27T02:02:00.000-07:00

The word marriage conjours up different things for different people.
The best reaction, of course, is a positive smile....and thankfully there are still a majority of couples out there with something to smile about. They are people who - with that piece of paper or not - have got it right. It may be their first, second, third or fourth attempt at pulling off a mutually successful long term relationship but there is no doubting the look of two people who have passed the winning post and are confidently and happily looking forward to a future together.
At Searchmate we make people smile all the time which means the team here have the best jobs in the world.
This week a couple called Bonnie and Dennis have made us smile even more than usual.
Bonnie was married young and spent many years in a happy fulfilling marriage. She had three children, became known as a talented seamstress who ran the local store. She also proved to have a prodigious talent for darts winning 200 cups and trophies in her time before donating them to the local scout troop. She was sadly widowed and decided her dart throwing days were over. Bonnie is 83.
Dennis was a bomber pilot for the RAF. When he left he worked for 20 plus years for the MOD as a driver before starting his own electronics company which was very successful. He had a long and happy marriage but was also sadly widowed. He took up poetry writing and was published and won prizes for it. He too is 83.
Bonnie and Dennis joined Searchmate Introductions last year because they were both lucky enough to have experienced first hand the real value of a good relationship.
The people who have had a good marriage already are often the bravest about wanting to try again.
Bonnie and Dennis are also lucky enough to be the kind of people for whom age really is just a number. Our team of matchmakers spotted they were both young at heart, both loving and kind, both happiest as a two rather than a one, both competitive and full of passion for life and living it. We introduced them and they are to marry in July.
Marriage for Bonnie and Dennis this time around will be different to the first time in some ways but absolutely no different in others. Most importantly they will have learned to make every single day count and not waste a second of it.
We wish them a long and happy life together.

What women really want this Valentine's Day

2011-02-09T05:34:00.000-08:00

The way to a girl’s heart starts lower than you may think… it’s not good looks but shoes that shine that put a smile on her face.
At Searchmate we decided to survey some of our clients all over the UK and discovered women aren't looking for flash cars or designer clothes. They want clean shoes and polished teeth.
We asked our members to be totally honest about the man they’re looking for. It became clear that among the hundreds of women members we talked to that the little things really do count. The majority put clean teeth and smart shoes in their top five items of attraction - only topped by a good sense of humour and a kind heart.
The men we surveyed were suprisingly honest about the one thing they want - some even admitted unreasonably. They say wrinkles can turn them off potential partners even if the person we have matched them to is attractive and a good match, a man may turn down the woman if she has more wrinkles than him!
We do, however, coach all our clients to focus on the really important things in life – decency, honesty, compatibility, humour and to be as open-minded as they can be and not to make snap judgments based on a picture.

Don't Waste Your Time Girls - Men Will Never Get the Hint

2010-11-18T06:53:00.000-08:00

The men in my life have always known that Christmas could become a very frosty event should they succomb to an urge to put white goods under the tree.
Some women may enjoy housework or ironing, and in the right mood I do too, but the last thing most women want Santa to bring down the chimney is a present which suggests all she is worth is dirt removal and crease control.
I was talking on BBC local radio today about the fact that women commonly give out an average of four hints to their men about what they would really like for Christmas yet only a tiny number of men pick up on the signals being thrown around.
The answer to this time old "what shall I buy her and how can I tell him" connundrum is simple.
Women: stop believing hinting will be, or ever has been, a successful method of communicating with men.
Men: stop making a big deal out of it and realise that M and S is not the only place to find her something.
Research psychologists at Harvard University have proved what we have always known: women are far more receptive to body language and silent signals than men are. Women will pick up 87 per cent of the unspoken messages going round a room whereas men will be oblivious to all but 42 per cent of them.
Women have between 14 and 16 areas of the brain custom made for communicating and evaluating while men have just a handful.
We are all equal but we are not the same. Women don't hint, you are wasting your time. You have to find a way to tell him what you want in all areas of life, without making him feel inept or controlled while still getting your message across.
We decided in this morning's show that good questions are the answer: "What present did I like the best? Which Christmas did I look happiest opening your gift?" or suggest everyone in the family makes Christmas lists. Alternatively tell your mother or a friend just what you would like and get them to tell him.
And men, the message is simple, if you can't think of an item to get her which will bring a smile to her face on December 25, then think of something she would love to do or somewhere she would love to go.
And the golden rule is, as ever, it is always the thought and effort you put in not how much you spend.

The Young Ones

2010-09-20T08:39:00.001-07:00

I watched the Young Ones last week and fully expected to scream in horror at the kitchen just like mum’s circa 1975 and amazed by the still dancing feet of Lionel Blair circa 1932.
In case you didn’t catch it, the show put a group of national treasures in a house where their bedrooms were replicas of where they slept in the 70s, the TV showed classic Jimmy Connors matches and the cars they were driven in were vintage Sweeney motors Jack Regan would have been proud of.
The idea was to submit the stars of yesteryear to an experiment – pioneered in America, of course – where by taking them back to a time when they were younger, fitter, at the top of their game and in professional demand, it would stimulate them to a more vital and vigorous state now they are in their dotage.
Dancer Lionel Blair was put back on the stage he loved, actress Liz Smith convinced she could walk without sticks again following her strokes and helped to rediscover painting, newsreader Kenneth Kendall was given the dogs he once adored to care for but for just a day, umpire Dicky Bird was taken to the turf of Lords.
Hardest of all was seeing actress Sylvia Syms with a spring in her step for the first time in years just because she was given a young family to care for again.
I expected to be interested, maybe fascinated and enlightened ... but I didn’t expect to cry. There were moments when it felt downright cruel and others when the poignancy was too much to bare. It felt at times like watching an alcoholic have a bottle waved under his nose or a weight watcher having chocolate cake smeared on her face.
But it was, indeed, thought provoking stuff. All the ‘guinea pigs’ experienced an improvement in their mobility, capabilities and attitude to life from their week in the 70s house. But it wasn’t the shag pile carpet, the prawn cocktail or listening to the Bay City Rollers that did it. It was spending a week in the stimulating company of other people.
The most difficult aspect of old age and retirement must be isolation. Derek Jameson, ex-Fleet Street editor and fabulous raconteur admitted he seldom socialises with anyone any more. Lionel Blair admitted his major occupation was day time telly.
They were all being cared for to one degree or another in their normal life and happily succumbing to the dependency expected of them as old timers. Yet after a week of laughter, challenge and independence they all made the startling discovery they could actually still do so much for themselves and improve their quality of mental and physical health by doing more not less.
They rediscovered confidence, agility and a purpose in life. It proved what I have always believed - that the worse thing we can do for our elderly is jump in too soon, take over the normal tasks of life while there is even a faint chance they can still do it for themselves. It isn’t kindness it is catastrophe to offer help when very little is needed.
At Searchmate we have members up to their 80s still looking to find someone to share the next stage of life with. They are people who believe life is for living regardless of the number attached to their name and people who know, what this experiment proved, that they will live happier, longer and more youthful lives when they have someone other than themselves to worry about.

Say Something Simple.........

2010-08-03T03:43:00.000-07:00

In this age of so called communication it is amazing how so many of us just don't know what to say when we have to communicate in person rather than down the line through a keyboard and inbox.

In these increasingly single times, knowing what to say has never been more crucial to so many.

At Searchmate we offer life coaching as part of some of our personal introduction memberships for this very reason. Some clients use it to make sure they are moving on in their life in the right way and with the right attitude. Others use it for help with the very first hurdle they have to cross once we have found them a match - talking to a stranger.
A personal matchmaking service may take the blind dating and hard work out of finding a partner but our work ends at that first phone call and if a client is lost navigating the waters of these first steps in communicating then all our work is for nought.
Sometimes, the best work we do is in giving clients that initial advice on what and, more importantly, what not to say in a phone call or on a date. But everyone who is single and struggling should search the self help shelves and internet for good communication skills advice before they invest in any couple creation system.
The golden rules on a first meeting, whether on the phone or in person, are really simple. Here are a few of the ones we give our clients before sending them on their first match:

Never talk about the ex

Never respond in any way to a suggestion by linking you both to a past relationship: "My wife used to say that." "We used to go there."

Never say nothing at all - if you think you will struggle then do your homework, learn a list of subjects you could jump into in a crisis.

Always talk AND listen - never just one or the other.

If they say something about themselves, show an interest - never come straight back with me, me, me.

Think of somewhere to meet before you chat and a time and place to suggest. If you keep extending the conversation because you can't say it they will give up. Be brave someone has to take that leap.

If you really are unavailable for the next few days always have a very first available date ready to suggest as an alternative. They will assume disinterest and run if you don't.

Be keen but not too keen. "Can we meet Saturday?" is fine. "Can we meet tonight?" is not.

Good luck!

Sun, sand and sadness.

2010-08-02T06:33:00.000-07:00

It is an unfortunate fact of life that the summer holiday isn't all it is cracked up to be when it comes to cementing a relationship.

It can be right up there in the league of good ideas next to: "Let's have a baby, it will glue us together."

The arrivals lounges of Heathrow and Gatwick are too commonly the setting for the big break up. Couples arrive in departures full of excitement, good intentions, romantic aspirations and bad airport food. They leave in separate taxis.

The reason for this is similar to the reason so many fractured pairs find themselves spending a quiet night alone on New Year's eve because they have failed to make it through Christmas.

Big events in the year like the annual summer break and the so called festive season can put huge pressure on an already high pressure situation. If you are both solidly, honestly and openly happy then Christmas will be the season to be jolly and the summer holiday will be sex, sun and sangria.

But if one or both of you is struggling to hide doubts or juggling differences which just won't go away then it won't matter if you are on Copa Cabana beach or queueing at the chippy in Lowestoft, it is destined to fatally crack the veneer you have been glossing over the problems with.

The reason is 24 hours a day, seven days a week together. The rest of the year a working couple or a couple with children or both, will be lucky to spend an average of 25 hours in open eyed communication. Take off the time spent watching TV or texting friends and you are actively participating in life with your partner while awake for considerably less hours on end than you are when you head for the sun.

(By the way men with blackberries also enjoy less sex, so remember to add that to the statistics above.)

The other reason is if you can't agree on skimmed or semi-skimmed on your cornflakes during normal life then you will still find it difficult to agree on anything even when the questions and decisions are less mundane and the environment more romantic. Romance comes from the heart not the setting - places can enhance it, complete it and make it possible but only if your heart is in the right place.

Don't be tempted by stories of holidays booked in the office or £5 flight emails in your inbox. the first question you should ask is not when or where but who with and should I be booking that open and honest chat rather than the full board and free cocktails.

Playground Princesses

2010-06-09T07:35:00.000-07:00

I was talking on Jo Malin's morning show on BBC Radio WM this morning about how tough it can be to be a girl. No - we made not one mention of childbirth or periods. We were talking exclusively about the value of great women friends but the tough journey we often have to go on to find them.

I am so grateful to have one daughter - but just the one. She like every other little girl of now and every little girl now grown to be a woman, has experienced how difficult life can become when a so-called classroom friend decides you are to be the object of whatever bitter jealousy, rivalry or simple dislike is going through her head at the moment.

At the risk of being accused soundly of sexism, friendship issues of this kind seem to be so much more common between females than it is between males. Boys do become jealous but are less likely to snigger behind your back in the canteen or make up malicious gossip for Facebook. Girls and friendship problems go hand in hand, unfortunately, and they can be the cause of more tears, upsets, anxst and agony than any other subject over the dinner table.

The parent who raised the question this morning wanted to know how to cope with it and how to help her daughter cope with it.

The only way to deal with the bitter aggression of someone you once thought a friend is to try not to show you care even when they are hurting you desperately.
This isn't easy to do for an eight year old but believe me you get better at it the older you get. As you laugh and frown with an inferred air of "How pathetic" her balloon of ego and the attention she gets - the main aim of her actions - will deflate before your eyes.

The tears will come and the hurt will always leave a mark but if you can master the shrug and grin tactic while keeping your tears for home and mum you will find the bully grows bored with you as her chosen one this week very quickly.
What mums must always do is in every way possible get the message across that this isn't about you it is about what is going on with her. She is jealous of your hair, your sports trophy, your mark in maths, the friendship you have with someone she wishes she was friends with, the fact you got more attention from the crowd while eating your sandwiches the day before. You are great, she is not, you don't need her, you don't need her friendship, leave her behind, move on.

The absolute positive from this experience is that this painful right of passage through the playgrounds of our youth takes us to an invaluable lesson learnt. We never forget the hurtful stuff but it builds in most of us an ability to choose our friends wisely - and a good girlfriend you have chosen, and you know will be there no matter what, is gold indeed.

A good, true friend who has no agenda other than supporting you. She has no rivalry, no judgement and no jealousy - only a wish for the best for you. She has no intentions other than kind and honourable ones towards you and she alone and others like her, once found, will make the agonies of the nasty and naughty worth coming through.